Blame

As human beings we learn to place blame really quite effectively early on in life. Think about it. As a child when we knew we were in trouble we always tried to place blame somewhere else, for example...siblings. As adults we do take more responsibility but in the end the tough things can get blamed on someone else. I should know. I have blamed everyone for my weight gain over the years, including myself. Some of it justified, such as, a horrid ex boyfriend who would yell at me for eating pizza. But in general, it has been my own fault that it has happened. I was the one who ate too much and exercised too little. I was the one who chose to eat a hamburger instead of a salad. Does admitting that you are at fault make it any easier? No...not really. I do however believe that its kind of like Alcoholics Anonymous in that you have to admit your problem before you can begin to fix it. So maybe...just maybe....admitting that it's my fault is one tiny tiny step in the right direction.

You Capture: Winter

So a break from the norm of this blog so I can do my favorite thing of the week; You Capture, provided by I Should Be Folding Laundry. I love doing this every week but sadly had been too busy as of lately. Luckily (and I say this with sarcasm) we got a snow storm last week! Yeay! Not! The only upside to said snow storm was the opportunity to take wintry pictures. I really only have two that I want to share with you guys this week but it is everything I view as winter.

I love the way snow looks on greenery. I just think it's beautiful.

A lot of people say....

If you are so unhappy with the way you look...why did you let it get this bad? Its NOT a simple question folks. Its not like I woke up one day and decided that I was gonna quit trying. I have a large family. On my fathers side I would say all but maybe, MAYBE three of the adults are overweight. So yes I believe genetics plays into it. Also we are all really good at baking/cooking/candy making and we ENJOY it. We were raised to believe that if you put it on your plate you will eat it all or you won't leave the table, have dessert, you'll go to bed early, etc. There was always a form of punishment if you didn't clean your plate. Plue having grown up a country girl you DID NOT waste food. It was wrong and it cost money.

Anyway so there are a lot of factors for how "I let myself get this bad". For a time in highschool I tried REALLY REALLY hard to be skinny and for the most part I was. I was never and am never going to be a size two. I would look sick. I'm 5'9" and big boned, but at size 12, which I was my junior year and lowest weight, I looked pretty damn good.

Ok so I looked good and knew how to take care of myself right.....so why didn't I? Well because 8 years ago I didn't think I looked good. Sounds stupid right...fat girl is skinny....should be PRETTY obvious. Wrong. When you grow up having it put into your head that you are not skinny and just need to keep losing a few more pounds and you will be, one of two things happen.

You either:
1. become anorexic

2. believe its never going to happen and gain weight back.

I obviously did the second one. I graduated highschool, still looking pretty damn good, and moved out of my parents house to go to college. Thats where the problems began.

I would love to tell you

That this is going to be a blog about losing weight and once again regaining the figure I had in high school. This is NOT that type of blog. Do I hope that I can one day blog about how my hard work and determination have paid off and I'm "skinny" again? Of course...if you are reading this you probably hope the same thing for yourself. The thing is two things have to change before I can get anywhere close to being able to write that:

1. I have to actually put IN the hard work and have the determination.

2. I must lose my love of food.

Do you see my problem? I can sit here and bemoan my troubles and whine about how I'm fat and blah blah blah....all the excuses we make...you know them. We all have them. The truth is.... I am not sure I have the will power OR the determination.

So this is a start for me. A way to feel connected. I HATE the way I look. I didn't until about last week when I stepped on the scale and saw what the holidays and my addiction to food had done to me. Granted it was bad enough before that but it never really hits you until you get up there and SEE the dreaded numbers. I hope by the time the year finishes that I have some progress to report. As for now, however, I will say please do not be afraid to reply and comment. It always nice to know someone is walking the road with you.